Text Jokes  

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to
the local pet shop and asked the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said,
"Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing."
Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" "OK," the man thought,
"I'll give it a try," so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede
looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are
washed, dried, and put away. "Great," thought the man.
Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. Fifteen minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the
man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede,
and off it went. Fifteen minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30
minutes later and still no centipede. Forty-five minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to
look for the centipede. As he opened the front door, there on the step was the
centipede. "Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the
paper! What gives?" "Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my boots!"



Just in case you think you are TC ("Technologically Challenged"), the following is an excerpt from an article in the Wall Street Journal:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press ReturnKey" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard tocontrol with
the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse waspackaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that thesystem
wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had stuck labels
on the diskettes, then rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels.
4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later,
a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and
close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting thephone
down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.After
40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax apiece of
paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had
cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for aday,
then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer
had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad
command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician
that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had tried turning the
computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell
computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her
what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on
this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't
work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
asked, "What Power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support ?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.
How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as
part of a promotional, at a trade show?"
Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has
'4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it.
He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive
as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support.
" I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some
problems with that disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in...."
The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
14. Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

The businessman called his less than ambitious son into his
office and announced he had decided to make him a full time
partner in the company.
"Which part of the company would you like to be in charge of, son?" he asked.
"Well," the son answered, "I don't like working in the shipping department, and I don't like being in sales, and I'd
rather not be in the bookkeeping department--"
"Listen," the father said, "as a full partner, what would you like most?"
"Hmmm," the son pondered, "I guess, most of all, I'd like you to buy me out."

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell
rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was
standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between
the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the
doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach
was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and
karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the
doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was
there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several
times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to
crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked
the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot
cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a
nasty bug going around."


DIET QUIZ
If you answer "yes" to eight or more of these questions, you
may want to consider restricting your future calorie intake:
* Has your neighborhood grocery store ever offered to send for you with a limo?
* After ordering lunch at a fast-food drive-through window, has it ever been delivered to your car on a hand truck?
* Within the last month, have you burned out more than two refrigerator bulbs?
* Do people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator?
* Has your fork ever suddenly come up missing?
* Have you ever broken out in a cold sweat when you realized you were more than a mile from the nearest Taco Bell?
* Is there a restraining order against you from the Association of All-You-Can-Eat Restaurants?
* On a recent Caribbean cruise, did the captain order you to stay in the center of the ship?
* Do your picnics in the country involve renting a U-Haul?
* Does the left side of your car seem to bottom out a lot?
* Does your street always seem to have more potholes than other streets?


"You're in incredibly fine condition," the doctor concluded
after finishing a thorough physical. "How old did you say you were, sir?"
"Seventy-eight.""Seventy-eight! Why, you have the health of a sixty-year-old. What's your secret?"
"I guess, Doc, it's due to a pact the wife and I made when we got married. She promised that if she was ever about to lose
her temper, she'd stay in the kitchen 'till she cooled off.
And I pledged that when I got angry I'd keep quiet, too, and go outside until I calmed down."
"I don't understand," said the doctor, "How could that help you stay so fit?"
"Well, the patient explained, "I guess you could say I've lived an outdoor life."