Quick Wit 

I watched a fishing show today on TV. Have you ever watched
fishing for about 15 minutes and said, "Boy, I need a life"?
-- Brian Regan



Seventy-five percent of your body heat is lost through the
top of your head. Which sounds like you could go skiing naked
if you got a good hat.
-- Jerry Seinfeld



We live in a mobile home. Hey, there are advantages to living
in a mobile home. One time, it caught on fire. We met the
fire department half way.
-- Ronnie Shakes



Dogs come when they're called. Cats take a message and get
back to you.
-- Missy Dizick



I remember learning to drive on my dad's lap. Did you guys
ever do that? He'd work the brakes. I'd work the wheel. Then
I went to take the driver's test and sat on the examiner. I
failed the exam. But he still writes to me. That's the really
nice part.
-- Garry Shandling



I got in a fight one time with a really big guy and he said
"I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll
be sorry." He said, "Oh yeah? Why?" and I said, "Well, you
won't be able to get into the corners very well."
-- Emo Phillips


I watched a fishing show today on TV. Have you ever watched
fishing for about 15 minutes and said, "Boy, I need a life"?
-- Brian Regan

Seventy-five percent of your body heat is lost through the
top of your head. Which sounds like you could go skiing naked
if you got a good hat.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

To me, an elevator is a coffin on a string. Dangling over an
abyss. Remember the plane crash in the Andes? When the
survivors ate the dead passengers? I'm not proud of this but
when I take an elevator, I bring a knife and fork and pray for fat passengers.
-- Carolyn May


I like dogs. I do. But they're not that bright, really. Let's
examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks
it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this
again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him.
"He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"
-- Jerry Seinfeld

The doctor was examining a young model who was having
tremendous pain in her side.
"My dear, you have acute appendicitis," the doctor said.
The woman became quite angry and said, "Don't try hitting on
me doctor, I just want to be examined, not complimented."


It was tragic. They arrested an Amish man and put him in
jail. Think about it. It's terrible. It's worse than me and
you. Take him down there. Give him that one phone call. Who
the hell is he going to call? None of his friends have
telephones.
-- Mario Joyner


People in New York are always in a hurry. When you call 911,
the operator says "This better be good."
-- David Letterman


The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years
without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them.
Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight
with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers.
"Come on buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of
me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers
right here."
-- Jerry Seinfeld


Ask yourself why the New York City subway system, alone of
all the mass transit systems in the world, has maps inside
rather than outside the trains. It's to force you to get on
the wrong train in order to find out where you're going...
You decipher the map to discover that the first step in
reaching your destination is to get off the wrong train at
the next stop.
-- Calvin Trillin


I remember my first day of school. My parents dropped me off
at the wrong nursery. I didn't know anybody--I was surrounded
by trees.
-- Janine DiTullo

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all
the money go?
-- Steven Wright