Text Jokes  

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That`s the ugliest baby I`ve ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed  that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me" she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he`s a public servant and shouldn`t say things to insult passengers." "You`re right" she said. " I think I`ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That`s a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

It's  great   to  be   a  man:

. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase. . Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight. . Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind. . When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying. . Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. . Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.. You understand why Stripes is funny. . Your last name stays put. . You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes. . Your underwear is $10 for a three pack. . If you're 40 and single nobody notices. . Everything on your face stays its original color. . You can be president. . Three pair of shoes are more than enough. . Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room. . You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. . Car mechanics tell you the truth. . People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. . You can buy underware without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. . You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.

Note For The Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet. "You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet. "Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there. "No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?" "No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice . "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again. "No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, wouldyou please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions,expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assureyou my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you.One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next." A  blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?" There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!" A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know." Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!! He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??" "No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!"

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by reciting the letters, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T." The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey, It's Thursday."

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her. Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that  your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.' The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New york to be a model.' Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.' The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving. Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?' The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?' The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!' The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?' The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!' This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?' The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, outhing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!' The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?' 'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

  Q:What do you call 2 blondes in the front seat of a car?

A:Duel air bags!

  "Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of a man on the street corner.

A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are walking down the street and see a twenty-dollor bill lying on the sidewalk. Guess who picks it up? The dumb blonde--the other two don't exist.

Why did the blonde jump over the glass wall?

To see what was on the other side

Q: Why did the blonde stand in front of the mirror with her eyes closed?

A: She wanted to know what she looked like when she was sleeping.

Nationalities

A Mexican, a black guy, & a Pollock were walking down the street when a crazed junkie approached, waving a blood encrusted syringe at them. " This needle's infected with AIDS, " the junkie shouted. " Give me your money or I'll jab you with it!" " Anything you want, amigo," the Mexican said, handing over his wallet. " It's all yours, brother. Take it." the black man insisted, hurriedly passing over his wallet to the junkie. " Not on your life," the Pollock spoke up, defiantly crossing his arms. " You can't have it!" The junkie lunged, stuck the needle in the Pollock's arm & ran off. "What the Hell did you do?" the black guy & the Mexican shouted. " He might have given you AIDS !" " It's okay," the Pollock replied confidently. "I'm wearing a condom."

Computer Genders

Five reasons computers must be female ...

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The Wife Asks...Would You Remarry?

"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?

"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.

"Why do you ask such a question?"

"Would you remarry?" asked the wife.

"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.

"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.

"Of course I do, dear" he said.

"Then why wouldn't you remarry?" she asked.

"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."

"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.

"Yes" said the husband.

"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.

"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.

"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"

"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.

"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"

"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."

"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."

"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed!"

Wife saves Drunk Hubby

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face." "He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!" "You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you." "Well, fuck him," said John."I did. You're back at work on Monday.

Why don't you begin your day with a smile?????

The reason it's always so difficult for Netanyaho to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is because it's usually three different stories according to him.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I ?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determine the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

  More blonde jokes:

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her  ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt  and the phone rang - but instead of picking up    the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear." "Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back."

A few days later, as she was driving around the  countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock  of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "Three hundred and fifty two." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed. "You're right!" he exclaimed. "I'll keep to my  end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock  and finally picked one that was by far cuter and  more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can  guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration   for the planned Windows 2000:

.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

.ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

.Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

.E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

.(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

.Close your eyes and press escape three times.

.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

.This is a message from Bill Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

.User Error: Replace user.

.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?