Text Jokes  

"Where do you want to go today?"Here are alternative slogans for the bloated OS:

1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.

2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!

3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.

4. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 gives you the whole house.

5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.

6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.

7. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.

9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.

10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.

11. OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.

12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!

13. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.

15. How do you want to crash today?

  Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has thesand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in thebags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them ontothe man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something.It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

8A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to passoff his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went.He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the manbehind the counter."Can you change this for me, please?" he asked.The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"------------------------------------

On the evening of their wedding night, a young couplefinally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, Margaret, the bride left the bathroom tofind Harold, the bridegroom, praying."So what are you doing?" she asked."I'm praying for guidance," answered the religious young man."I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance."

  Before going to Europe on business, a man drove hisRolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in toask for an immediate loan of $5,000.The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and sothe man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce."The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank'sunderground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors,and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", theloan officer said. The man wrote out a check and startedto walk away."Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, Ifound out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would youneed to borrow $5,000?"The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce inManhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened,theirstar attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and theyhadcarefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay himwell ifhe would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla sopeople will keep coming to the zoo.Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he putson the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to seehim. Heplays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isnt so bad, hethinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beatinghischest and roaring, swinging around.During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lioncage!As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and startsscreaming, "Help, Help, Help!"The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses,"Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Jack was driving home after a hard days work and he was not in a goodmood. Nothing at the office had gone right, and so when he was about to make the turn off and a car came wildly careening around the corner in his lane, he was furious! To make matters worse, the lady driving the car stuck her head out the window and yelled "PIG! PIG!" Jack couldn't contain himself any longer. He rolled down his window, stuck his head out, and shouted, "YOU OLD BATTLE AXE!" Still fuming, he turned the corner . . . and hit a pig standing in the middle of the road.

Subject: English LessonAn English professor wrote the words,"Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboardand directed his students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."The women wrote: "Woman: without her, man is nothing."

Engineers.....a new definition...What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

  Letter home: Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. ------Father's Reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

Three men and a fridge Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that it sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

  New Work Rules :###############1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if youare able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not needall of whatever you have; therefore, you should not consider havinganything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed is certainly less than we bargained for.3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however,we can let you off half an hour early, provided all of your work is up todate.4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teachsomeone else your job.5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going inalphabetical order. For instance, those surnames beginning with "A" will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, "B" from 9:05-9:10, and so on. If you are unable togo at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next daywhen yourtime comes around again.6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.8. ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.9. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT.10. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE 9.

  A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. Thesehighly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot oftesting andbackground checks involved before you can even be considered for theposition.After sending some applicants through the background checks, trainingandtesting, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman,butonly one position was available.The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremelysecretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the mento alarge metal door and handed him a gun.We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what thecircumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find yourwifesitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious!Icould never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You'redefinitelynot the right man for this job then."So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "Wemustknow that you will follow instructions no matter what thecircumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting ina chair. Take this gun and kill her."The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun andwent inthe room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoother, Ijust couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not therightman for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what ittakes.Take your wife and go home."Now they're down to the woman left to test.Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed herthe samegun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter whatthecircumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find yourhusbandsitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closedallthe way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This wenton forseveral minutes, then all went quiet.The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweatfromher brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded withblanks! Ihad to beat him to death with the chair!"

Subject: How to know you're getting a little older1. EVERYTHING HURTS AND WHAT DOESN'T HURT DOESN'T WORK.2. MY LITTLE BLACK BOOK CONTAINS ONLY NUMBERS OF DOCTORS.3. I GET WINDED JUST PLAYING CHESS.4. I JOINED A HEALTH CLUB AND DON'T GO.5. I STILL CHASE WOMEN BUT CAN'T REMEMBER WHY (SINGLE GUYS ONLY).6. I LOOK FORWARD TO A DULL EVENING.7. I TURN OUT THE LIGHTS FOR ECONOMIC RATHER THAN ROMANTIC REASONS. 8. I SIT IN MY ROCKING CHAIR AND CAN'T GET IT GOING.9. DIALING LONG-DISTANCE WEARS ME OUT.10. MY KNEES BUCKLE WHEN MY BELT WILL NOT.11. MY BACK GOES OUT MORE OFTEN THAN I DO.12. I SINK MY TEETH INTO A STEAK AND THEY STAY THERE.

Talking Frog A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bentover, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me backinto a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." The man tookthe frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into aPrincess, I'll stay with you and do *anything* you want." Again the man took thefrog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautifulPrincess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *anything* you want. Whywon't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for girlfriends,but a talking frog is really cool." #############################################################

What The Professor Really Means: What they say What they meanYou'll be using one of the leading I used it as a grad student.textbooks in the field.If you follow these few simple rules, If you don't need any sleep, you'llyou'll do fine in the course. do fine in the course.The gist of what the author is saying I don't understand the detailsis what's most important. either.Various authorities agree that... My hunch is that...The answer to your question is beyond I don't know.the scope of this class.You'll have to see me during my office I don't know.hours for a thorough answer to yourquestion.In answer to your question, you must I really don't know.recognize that there are severaldisparate points of view.

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a fewseconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I betterget going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you." ####################################################################

  A Japanese company and an American company had a boat race; the Japanese won by a mile. The Americans hired analysts to figure out what went wrong. They reported that the Japanese had one person managing and seven rowing, while the Americans had seven managing and only one rowing. The American company immediately restructured its team. Now they had one senior manager, six managment consultants and one rower. In the rematch, the Japanese won by two miles, so the American company fired the rower.

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into theirhouse.The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like toknowthe names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?""My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also namedElizabeth,so I can't kill you."The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?""My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

TOUR GUIDE TERM .....and the......TRANSLATIONOld world charm ...........No bathTropical ..................RainyMajestic setting ..........A long way from townOptions galore ............Nothing is included in the itinerarySecluded hideaway .........Impossible to find or get toPre-registered rooms ......Already occupiedExplore on your own .......Pay for it yourselfKnowledgeable trip hosts ..They've flown in an airplane beforeNo extra fees .............No extrasNominal fee ...............Outrageous chargeStandard ..................Sub-standard Deluxe ....................StandardSuperior ..................One free shower capAll the amenities .........Two free shower capsPlush .....................Top and bottom sheetsGentle breezes ............Occasional Gale-force windsLight and airy ............No air conditioningPicturesque ...............Theme park nearby

drunk!:)
>>A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and
>>asks if he could buy him a drink.
>>"Why of course," comes the reply.
>>The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
>>"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
>>The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too!
>>Let's have another round to Ireland."
>>"Of course," replies the second man, and they both enjoy their
>>second drink.
>>Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you
>>from?"
>>"Dublin," comes the reply.
>>"I can't believe it" says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!
>>Let's have another drink to Dublin!" The men both continue
>>drinking.
>>Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, "What school
>>did you go to?"
>>"St. Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
>>"This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St.
>>Mary's and I graduated in '62, also!"
>>About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down
>>at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
>>"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Mally twins are
>>drunk again."

men & dogs:)

WHY Dogs r Better Than Men!!
>>>> >>
>>>> >> * Dogs don't have problems expressing affection in
>>>> public.
>>>> >> * Dogs miss u when u r gone.
>>>> >> * U never wonder whether your dog is good enough for

>>u.
>>>> >> * Dogs feel guilty when they do something wrong.
>>>> >> * Dogs don't criticize your friends.
>>>> >> * Dogs r very direct when they want to go out.
>>>> >> * Dogs admit when they r jealous.
>>>> >> * Dogs know that the most the important thing is to
>be
>>>> >>together.
>>>> >> * Dogs r so easy to train.
>>>> >> * Dogs r easy to buy any gift for.
>>>> >> * Dogs r good with kids.
>>>> >> * U can force a dog to take a bath.
>>>> >> * Dogs never laugh at u.
>>>> >> * Dogs never correct yr. stories infront of people.
>>>> >> * Dogs mean it when they kiss u.
>>>> >> * Dogs r color blind.
>>>> >> * Dogs don't care whether u shaves ur legs.
>>>> >> * Worst social disease u can get from a dog is a
>flea.
>>>> >> * When dogs r old they never look for a younger
>owner.
>>>> >>
>>>> >> HOW Dogs and Men r the same!
>>>> >>
>>>> >> * Both take much space on the bed.
>>>> >> * Both mark their territory.
>>>> >> * Neither tells u about what's bothering them.
>>>> >> * The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
>>>> >> * Men r color blind.
>>>> >> * Both like to chew wood.
>>>> >> * Neither do any dishes.
>>>> >> * Neither notice when u have a hair cut.
>>>> >> * Neither understands what do u like in cats.
>>>> >> * Neither knows how to talk on the phone.
>>>> >>
>>>> >> WHY Men are better than Dogs!
>>>> >>
>>>> >> * Men only have 2 feet to track in the mud.
>>>> >> * Men can buy u presents.
>>>> >> * Men open their own beer cans.
>>>> >> * Dogs have dog breath all the time.
>>>> >> * HOLIDAY Inn's accept men.

Cookies at the Airport
> >>>> > >A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
> >>>> > >With several long hours before her flight.
> >>>> > >She hunted for a book in the airport shops.
> >>>> > >Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.
> >>>> > >She was engrossed in her book but happened to see,
> >>>> > >That the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be.
> >>>> > >Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between,
> >>>> > >Which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene.
> >>>> > >So she munched the cookies and watched the clock,
> >>>> > >As the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock.
> >>>> > >She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
> >>>> > >Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice, I would blacken his eye."
> >>>> > >With each cookie she took, he took one too,
> >>>> > >When only one was left, she wondered what he'd do.
> >>>> > >With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh,
> >>>> > >He took the last cookie and broke it in half.
> >>>> > >He offered her half, as he ate the other,
> >>>> > >She snatched it from him and thought... oooh, brother.
> >>>> > >This guy has some nerve and he's also rude,
> >>>> > >Why he didn't even show any gratitude!
> >>>> > >She had never known when she had been so galled,
> >>>> > >And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
> >>>> > >She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate,
> >>>> > >Refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate.
> >>>> > >She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat,
> >>>> > >Then she sought her book, which was almost complete.
> >>>> > >As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise,
> >>>> > >There was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes.
> >>>> > >If mine are here, she moaned in despair,
> >>>> > >The others were his, and he tried to share.
> >>>> > >Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
> >>>> > >That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief.
> >>>> > >- - - - -
> >>>> > >How many times in our lives,
> >>>> > >have we absolutely known that something was a certain way,
> >>>> > >only to discover later that what we believed to be true ...
> >>>> > >was not??