Text Jokes  

NOTE TO MANAGEMENT:
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.

Sd/
Project Leader

-------------------------------------------- >

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE ABOVE NOTE:

That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the
last note to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
lines 1, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11, and 13... for my true assessment of him.

All The Best

A farmer had been taken several times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced his unit as follows:

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

Some time ago I received a call from a colleague, who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed he should receive a perfect score and would if the system were not set up against the student. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected. I went to my colleague's office and read the examination question:

"Show how it is possible to determine the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer."

The student had answered: "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."

I pointed out that the student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly. On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course. A high grade is supposed to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try at answering the question. I was not surprised that my colleague agreed, but I was surprised when the student did. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he had not written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said no. He had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on.

In the next minute, he dashed off his answer which read:

"Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula S=0.5*a*t^2, calculate the height of the building."

At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit. In leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were. "Oh, yes," said the student.

"There are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building."

"Fine," I said, "and others?"

"Yes," said the student. "There is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units. "A very direct method."

"Of course, if you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated."

"Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer."

At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think, to use the "scientific method," and to explore the deep inner logic of the subject in a pedantic way, as is often done in the new mathematics, rather than teaching him the structure of the subject. With this in mind, he decided to revive scholasticism as an academic lark to challenge the Sputnik-panicked classrooms of America.

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work !?" (Zareen Shaukat)

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?
Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.
What sort of trouble?
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Went away?
They disappeared.
Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.
Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
How do I tell?
Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?
What's a sea-prompt?
Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?
There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.
Does your monitor have a power indicator?
What's a monitor?
It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?
I don't know.
Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it.
Can you see that?
Yes, I think so.
Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Yes, it is.
When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
No.
Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Okay, here it is.
Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely in to the back of your computer.
I can't reach.
Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
No.
Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.
Dark?
Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Well, turn on the office light then.
I can't.
No? Why not?
Because there's a power outage.
A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Really? Is it that bad?
Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.

A student wrote letter to his home:

Dear Dad!
This $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. Mathematic$, a$tronomy, and economic$ are the $ubject$ I like. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a po$t card, a$ I would love to $ee $ome word$ from you.

$end it to me $oon,
Your $on
-----------------

A week later he received a letter from home:

Dear Son!
I kNOw that trigoNOmetry, astroNOmy, and ecoNOmics are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and kNOw that NO one can ever learn eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

A lazy dog is a slow pup.
A slope-up is an inclined plane.
An ink-lined plane is a sheet of writing-paper.
Therefore, a lazy dog is a sheet of writing-paper.

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc.

A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"

The British gutter press has decided to encode its royal family stories discretely in Morse code. I suppose their headlines now read:

Did Di die... Di did die.... Di Died.
Did Dodi die... Dodi did die.... Dodi died.
Did Di Dodi die... Di Dodi did die.... Di Dodi died!! Di...Di...Di Died!

What is "pi"?

Mathematician:     Pi is the ratio of circumference of a circle to its diameter.

Engineer:     Pi is about 22/7.

Computer Programmer:     Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision.

Nutritionist:     You one track math-minded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

The guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!!!" So everybody gets scared and runs away. Only one person stays. The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!!!" And the other guy says; "No, it won't do anything to me, I am e^x".

Three economists and three mathematicians were going for a trip by train. Before journey mathematicians bought 3 tickets and economists bought only one. Mathematicians were glad their stupid colleagues were going to pay a fine. However, when the conductor was approaching their compartment, all three economists went to the nearest toilet.

Conductor noticing that somebody is in the toilet knocked to the door and in reply saw a hand with the ticket. He checked it and economists saved 2/3 of the ticket price. Next day mathematicians decided to use the same strategy - they bought only one ticket, but economists did not buy ticket at all. When mathematicians saw conductor they went to the toilet, and when they heard knocking they handed in the ticket. They did not get it back. Why? The economists took it and went to the other toilet.

A party of mathematicians was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.

Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?' 'Yes', answered the others eagerly. Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.

The mathematician's child and the economist's child were in the third grade together, and the teacher asked, "If one man with one shovel can dig a ditch in ten days, how long would it take ten men with ten shovels to dig the same ditch?" Both children raised their hands.

The teacher said to the mathematician's child, "Johnny, how long?" and little Johnny v. said, "One day, teacher."

The teacher looked at the economist's child and said, "John Maynard, is that right?"

Little John Maynard said, "Teacher, it all depends."

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are at a hotel one night sleeping after the first day of a conference.

A disgruntled hotel employee decides to get even with the management. He goes to a floor where there is nobody in the hallway. He drops a lit match into a trash can in the hallway. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills his trash can from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

The disgruntled hotel employee found another trash can in the hallway and drops a lit match into it. Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire-hose and after calculating the flame distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc. extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed. He goes back to bed.

This hotel employee then drops some trash paper and a lit match into the same trash can in the hallway. Then the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hallway, sees a fire and then the fire-hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, "Ah, a solution exists!!" and then goes back to bed.

You can guess what happened after that.

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far."

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Hellllooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).

Two minutes later they hear this echoing voice: "Hellllooooo! You're lost!!"

One of the men says, "That must be a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"

He replies: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."

Several students were asked the following problem:

Prove that all odd integers are prime.

Well, the first student to try to do this was a math student. Hey says "hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime."

The physics student then said, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."

The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, "Well, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is ..., standard deviation, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem right."

Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says "Well, you two sort'v got the right idea, but you'd end up taking too long doing it. I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it..." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. The computer responds, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime...."

An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?"

Philosopher: "But what do you mean by 2 * 2 ?"

The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".

The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.99 and 4.01".

The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the world, then announces: "I don't know what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!".

Politician: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, then whispers "What do you want it to be?"

Two male mathematicians are in a restaurant.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress and tells her that after a few minutes when his friend returns, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats 'one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats 'one third x cubed'.
She: 'one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, 'one thir dex cuebd...'.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral calculus question, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?" The waitress says 'one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder 'plus a constant'!

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes later they reappeared together with a third person.

- They have multiplied, said the biologist.

- Oh no, an error in measurement, the physicist sighed.

- If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again, the mathematician concluded.