Text Jokes
Valentine:
this is made specially for valentine....:))
Who sends a thousand cards on valentines day signed "Guess who?"
A. A divorce lawyer- Submitted by Kaushik Bhaduri
Q. What's the perfect "Breakup Gift" to giveto someone for valentines Day?
A. A Copy of the book "Sex for Dummies"
In India, 14th November is celebrated as Children's Day(It is dedicated in the memory of the first Prime
Minister who loved children)
A kid was asked "Why 14th November is celebrated asChildren's day ?"
He replied with a smirk,"Because it is 9 months after Valentine's day"
It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with "T": Tuesday Thursday Thanksgiving Today Tomorrow Thaturday and Thunday
Therefore, we have: women = time + money
However, it is also well known that "time is money", so we findwomen = money + money = 2 money
Since ancient times, it has been said that money is the root of allevil.
Hence money = ( all evil )^1/2
Therefore, what men have guessed since the beginning of time is true:women = 2 * ( all evil)^1/2
Or in english, WOMEN ARE TWICE THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL !
1. the guy will be nice to u.
2. he will tell u that u did good, even if u did horrible.
3. he might make fun of u.
4. he'll want to be your friend.
5. he might complimment u on your hair, even if u wear it >> that >> >way everyday.
6. he'll stick up for u.
7. he will start hangin out with your friends.
8. he'll flirt with u.
9. he'll call u for no good reason.
10. he'll make eye contact with a happy grin on his face.
1. They always talk about the different varieties or guys.
2. they stare at u with a smile on their face.
3. they always seem to be talking about how nice u r.
4. they laugh at all your jokes.
5. they ask u who u like, continuously.
6. they talk to your friends a lot.
7. they always r flirting with every other guy, except u.
8. they always try to make u jealous.
9. they beg u to do everything for them.
10. they always ask u what to do in a bad situation.
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in thehouse in the kitchen.
The man was racing the engine on the motorcycleandsomehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear.
The man, still holding thehandlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with themotorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing thecrash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on thefloor,cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio doorshattered.
The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance. Becausethey lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the severalflightsof long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.
Afterthe ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, thewife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside.
Seeing that gas hadspilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted upthegasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated atthe hospital and was released to come home.
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and thedamagedone to his motorcycle.
He became despondent, went into the bathroom,saton the toilet and smoked a cigarette.
After finishing the cigarette, heflipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.
Thewife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husbandscreaming.
She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor.
Histrousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks,the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone andcalled for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and thewife met them at the street.
The paramedics loaded the husband on thestretcher and began carrying him to the street.
While they were goingdownthe stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcheranddumped the husband out.
He fell down the remaining steps and broke hisarm.
Now THAT is a bad day...and the poor guy didn't even leave his home
THE RULES1- SICKNESS: No excueses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor,you are also able to come work.2- LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thought that you may not need allof whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.3- DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. if you can arrangefor funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.4- DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is our duty to teach someone else your job.5- PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms.In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order, for instance, those surnames begining with " A" will be allowed to go from 9-9:05, and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes around again.6- QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.7- QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.8- ADVICE FROM THE OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in themorning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.9- THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT
Getting married :
Last week, we ran a request for advice to help get DM married.
DM, one of our subscribers, asked us to posthis request for advice on how to propose on Valentines Day to the woman he wants to marry. Thank you all for your numerous requests.
We are still getting responses in by the dozens and have received more than 1,000 in total. While we are sending all of the responses for DM toevaluate, we are presenting the funniest one below here for the list. We will update you after Valentines Day to hear the results from DM.
(note: horse will require at least two parachutes) 3. On the big day, blindfold her, telling her you have a sup rise for her 4. Take her & the horse to the airport 5. Have her ride the horse onto the plane(you must have her ride the horse, or it won't work) 6. Have the pilot fly up to 28,500 feet (if the plane can go that high) 7. Put a parachute on her and the horse,get your's on, and take the blindfold off her 8. Get on the horse 9. Guide the horse out the door(it might be easier if you blindfold the horse) 10. Free fall for 20 seconds 11. Release all parachutes 12. As soon as you begin to slow down, pull out the ring & propose to her I personally guarantee she will have had the best time of her life, & will undoubtedly say yes. Trust me, I've been married 5 times.
Three men go to
heaven!!:)
Three men died and went to heaven. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter stopped them and said, "Due to over population, I can only let one of you in. Whoever can tell me the best story of his death can enter Heaven." The first guy began his story: "I lived on the 25th floor of a high rise apartment building. Every day when I went to work, my nosy neighbor called me and said that there was a stranger in my house and that he could hear wild, passionate loving making noises. I finally got fed up with it and decide to go home at lunch time and check things out.
When I got home my wife was sitting on the couch naked.
I got extremely upset. I went through the house searching everywhere. Under the table, in the closet, even under the bed. I couldn't find anyone. Then I looked outside on the balcony and saw two hands hanging onto the ledge. I ran outside looked down at him and noticed that he wasn't wearing any pants. I took off my shoe and started beating his hands. He fell 25 stories and landed on the canvas in front of the building. He wasn't dead. So I rolled the refrigerator out and pushed it on top of him. When I did, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man's story: "I am a window washer at a high rise apartment building. I was washing windows on the 27th floor when my scaffold broke. My pants got caught on the scaffold and ripped off. I managed to stay alive by grabbing a ledge of a balcony. I was okay until this guy started beating my hands with his shoes. I fell and landed on the canvas in front of the building. I was still alive. Then the next thing I know, a refrigerator landed on me and I died." The third story: "Well, I was in this refrigerator minding my own business....
