Text Jokes
| the secretary:-)) |
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank
goes to a
sight-seeing
tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client
out of the
blue asks her
to marry him. Naturally the secretary is quite
taken aback.
However, she
remembers what her boss told her: "Don't reject the
guy
outright."
So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the
businessman
from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man,
"I will
marry you under three conditions.
First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 caret
diamond
ring, with a matching 200 caret diamond tiara." The
Taiwanese
man pauses
for awhile.
Then, he nods his head and says, "Okay, Okay, I
buy,
I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy,
the
woman says
to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room
mansion in New York.
As a vacation home,
I want a chateau built in the middle of the best
wine country in
France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his
cellular
phone, calls
some brokers in
New York, then calls some brokers in France. He
looks at the woman,
nods his
head and says, "Okay, Okay, I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the
secretary knows that
she'd
better make this a good one. She takes her time to
think, and
finally, she
gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She
squints
her eyes,
looks at
the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex,
I want the
man I marry to have a 12" penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face
with
his hands and
rests
his elbows on the table. All the while, he's
muttering something in
Chinese.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man
shakes his head,
looking
really sad, says to the woman, "Okay, Okay, I cut,
I
cut."
| wife and husband:-) |
Aloha and good morning! I was joke challanged this morning and had to kind of work it to find this joke. I hate those days! Have a great Wednesday! A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship." "If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would." "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would." "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
The
Safari==========A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
Oneevening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find hermother gone. Rushing
to her husband, she insisted on them both tryingto find her mother.The hunter picked up
his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started tolook for her. In a clearing not far from
the camp, they came upon achilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a
thick,impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.The wife cried, "What
are we going to do?""Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got
himself into thismess, let him get himself out of it."
| lawyers!:-)) |
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000." "You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?" "Absolutely! What's the second question?"
| bad memory:-) |
Bad Memory ========== An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong with them. They see the doctor and tell him about the memory problems they've been having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are physically fine but might want to start writing things down to help them remember things. They thank the doctor and leave. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" asks his wife. "To the kitchen," he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks. "Sure," he says. She says, "Maybe you should write it down so you'll remember." "I'll remember," he says "Well, I would also like some strawberries on top," she says. "You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget." "I can remember that," he says, as he begins to loose his patience. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I would also like whip cream on top," she adds, "I know you will forget that so you better write it down." Hopping mad he says, "I don't need to write that down! I will remember just fine." He fumes into the kitchen to get the food. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
| some folks cant!!:-) |
This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the
bartender.
The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons
"46!!" Everyone starts to laugh- Again he shouts
out "39!!" Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing-
Lastly, he shouts "14!!" Now, people are wiping
tears from their eyes from all the laughing.
The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender "What is going
on?"
The bartender says "This is a small town, with small impressionable
children, and so we had decided to put
numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full"
The visitor is astounded "Let me try!!" he says- So he shouts
"46!!" Nothing happens "39!!" Still nothing. "14!!"
and yet still not a sound from the patrons.
The visitor says to the bartender "I don't understand. I used
exactly the same numbers you did and got a
completely opposite response.
The bartender replied, "Well, some folks can tell a joke....... and
some folks can't"
| where is the boat?:-) |
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the
magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over
again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw
the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did
every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle
of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything;
it was,
after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The
magician
found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of
the ocean
with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not
utter a word.
This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up.
Where's the boat?"
